Paddy Posted March 20, 2020 Posted March 20, 2020 Forgive me if you have heard this one before: A man walks into a cafe, takes a seat at a table and starts reading the menu. After a few minutes the waitress approaches: "What will you have?" she asks. "I'll have a quickie," he replies confidently. She scowls and stomps off. After a few minutes she returns and demands: "Are you ready to order now?" "Yes - I'd like a quickie please," he replies. She thumps the table and storms off angrily. Soon the manager sends her back. "Ok - are you ready to make a sensible order now?" she says angrily. "May I please have a quickie?" he asks plaintively. "Right, I'm calling the police!" she shouts. At this point the man at the next table leans over helpfully and says: "I think you'll find that is pronounced "Quiche"!". 4 Quote
Paddy Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 Not sure if this is a laugh or a cry, but the term "20 20 vision" will take on a whole new meaning after this year! 1 Quote
Paddy Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 On 3/20/2020 at 10:00 PM, Paddy said: Forgive me if you have heard this one before: A man walks into a cafe, takes a seat at a table and starts reading the menu. After a few minutes the waitress approaches: "What will you have?" she asks. "I'll have a quickie," he replies confidently. She scowls and stomps off. After a few minutes she returns and demands: "Are you ready to order now?" "Yes - I'd like a quickie please," he replies. She thumps the table and storms off angrily. Soon the manager sends her back. "Ok - are you ready to make a sensible order now?" she says angrily. "May I please have a quickie?" he asks plaintively. "Right, I'm calling the police!" she shouts. At this point the man at the next table leans over helpfully and says: "I think you'll find that is pronounced "Quiche"!". Amusingly, my father told this story to a couple in their 60s a few years back. At the punchline the wife laughed uproariously but the husband just looked puzzled. On questioning he admitted that he had no idea what a "Quickie" was! 1 Quote
Peckris 2 Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Paddy said: Amusingly, my father told this story to a couple in their 60s a few years back. At the punchline the wife laughed uproariously but the husband just looked puzzled. On questioning he admitted that he had no idea what a "Quickie" was! A well satisfied wife, I assume... 2 Quote
Danelaw Posted March 24, 2020 Posted March 24, 2020 **WARNING** There's a link going around for a LIVE STREAM to U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - it will take you to a live stream of U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. 1 5 Quote
Sword Posted March 24, 2020 Posted March 24, 2020 A man told his wife that she is painting her eyebrows too high. She looks surprised. 1 Quote
Peckris 2 Posted March 24, 2020 Posted March 24, 2020 16 hours ago, Danelaw said: **WARNING** There's a link going around for a LIVE STREAM to U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - it will take you to a live stream of U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. 2 Quote
blakeyboy Posted March 25, 2020 Posted March 25, 2020 (edited) I got bored this week, and made this, and posted it to a mate, and he was rather concerned at first... Edited March 25, 2020 by blakeyboy speling 1 Quote
blakeyboy Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 I just asked my wife to put on a nurses uniform. She said "Are you feeling frisky?" I replied "No, we need bread." 1 3 Quote
Danelaw Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 Do you know the difference between Abu Dhabi residents and Dubai residents? People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do. 5 Quote
blakeyboy Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 I went upstairs today, and had a look around. Good exercise, and it's nice to get out. 2 Quote
1949threepence Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 1 hour ago, blakeyboy said: I went upstairs today, and had a look around. Good exercise, and it's nice to get out. Well I was really adventurous. I went into the back garden and picked up some rubbish that Storm Jorge had blown in several weeks ago. Thought, that's my exercise quota, and then some, for the day. Quote
blakeyboy Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 And relax....deep blue ocean, deep blue ocean....:) Quote
Danelaw Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 I just threw a ball for my dog...a bit over the top but he was 21 today. 1 2 Quote
secret santa Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 With this ban on sport, I'm really missing playing in goal for my local football team - it's the only way I can keep a clean sheet at my age...... 4 Quote
Danelaw Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 My mates been a flasher for over 10 years by trade. He's thought about giving it up recently but has decided to stick it out another year 1 4 Quote
Diaconis Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 Nice one Sword. To add realism it should be worn for a few years to get some nice tatty frayed holes in it. Quote
Diaconis Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 It's not that surprising why Mary and Joseph couldn't find room at an inn.. hotels get really busy around Christmas time. Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns in English or it is just me? Why is October 4th a trucker's favorite day? Because it's a big 10-4 good buddy! Dr. Dre may not be a real doctor, but he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations. People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am. Charles Dickens orders a martini. The bartender smiles a big, smug, 'aren't-I-clever smile' and asks, "Olive or twist?" I can't believe they haven't come up with a cure for world hunger yet. I thought it'd be a piece of cake. 1 1 Quote
Paddy Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Diaconis said: It's not that surprising why Mary and Joseph couldn't find room at an inn.. hotels get really busy around Christmas time. Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns in English or it is just me? Why is October 4th a trucker's favorite day? Because it's a big 10-4 good buddy! Dr. Dre may not be a real doctor, but he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations. People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am. Charles Dickens orders a martini. The bartender smiles a big, smug, 'aren't-I-clever smile' and asks, "Olive or twist?" I can't believe they haven't come up with a cure for world hunger yet. I thought it'd be a piece of cake. We should have a "Groan" reaction for this section of the forum... 1 Quote
Sword Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, Diaconis said: Nice one Sword. To add realism it should be worn for a few years to get some nice tatty frayed holes in it. I vaguely remember watching (at least a part) of the film, Dear John, and the following conversation has somewhat stuck in my mind: John the teenager: All the way up to Wooster for another coin show. l'm just--No, l'm not doing that. His Father: You're going to one every weekend now. John: Oh, that's good. l love warm milk. That's nice. [sarcastically] . You spend all of our money on coins. Get a fricking fridge that works. Thankfully, none of us are so obsessive here. 🙂 Edited March 30, 2020 by Sword 2 Quote
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