Stuff to Make Us Laugh

[copper123]

9 minutes ago, Diaconis said:

Mike,

A bursting bladder can turn Jekyll in to Hyde

I have also heard that our brucie had a terrible temper as well, it's only an adoring large crowd that he was interested in , oh and a big pair of knockers as well

Edited March 8, 2021 by copper123

[Paddy]

The only "celebrity" I had much knowledge of was Frank Muir, who lived in the same village as my family when I was very young. He was always the perfect gentleman - his only vice was taking snuff, for which he carried an exotically coloured handkerchief at all times.

[blakeyboy]

I was doing a session in a studio once, and they'd hired some extra stuff.

They had hired vibraphone, and the hire company said it was coming to us straight off the Bruce `Forsyth tour,

and there was no time to check it over. When it arrived, I slid it out of the flight case, and some springs and nuts and bolts fell out.

The damping mechanism at the bottom of the tubes had fallen apart, and I had to get that all working.

I rang the guy at the hire company, and I told him that all was now ok, but i also told him that I was only 

really ringing him up to tell him to stop sending us these bad vibes.

 

I just could not resist.

[Peckris 2]

11 hours ago, DaveG38 said:

At age 16 or so, I served Bernie with a cup of tea in J Lyons teashop Western Road, Brighton. Its about the nearest I've ever been to celebrity, apart from shaking hands with Frankie Vaughan at my school prizegiving. 

There's nor business like Schnorbitz-ness? (Sorry!)

I have met and conversed with Al Stewart, Hawkwind, Kevin Ayers. My 2 biggest claims to fame are

1) being patted on the head by Suzi Quatro when I apologised for the small attendance at the Students Union

2) watching MOTD (Liverpool were on... he'll be turning in his grave now) with John Peel when he guested at a SU gig.

[Michael-Roo]

 

In 1979 I was pecked on the cheek by Mary Wilson of the Supremes. Does this count?

Edited March 8, 2021 by Michael-Roo

[blakeyboy]

10 hours ago, Peckris 2 said:

There's nor business like Schnorbitz-ness? (Sorry!)

 

1) being patted on the head by Suzi Quatro when I apologised for the small attendance at the Students Union

 

 

I. Schnorbitzness is in Norway.

2. Suzy Quatro could always do what the hell she liked with me.

[blakeyboy]

10 hours ago, Michael-Roo said:

 

In 1979 I was pecked on the cheek by Mary Wilson of the Supremes. Does this count?

Yes it does.

[alfnail]

I should say so, very jealous, did Harold give you the third degree?

[bagerap]

A builder's labourer goes to his doctor,

"I'm constipated." he says.

The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."

After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his a**e with a baseball bat.

A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends him to the toilet.

After coming out of the toilet, he says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your a**e with cement bags

[1949threepence]

[Peckris 2]

Straight out of Porkies. Barman, having answered the phone: "Mike Hunt? Mike Hunt? Anyone seen Mike Hunt?"

I'm sure it would have been in The Simpsons too, when Bart and Lisa used to prank call Moe's .. unfortunately it wasn't after the watershed!

[Paddy]

I got caught out when working at IBM when someone persuaded me to put out a call for Hugh Janus over the tannoy...

 

[Diaconis]

Ben Doon and Phil McKavitee

always works a treat

[copper123]

China petrol station

Edited March 10, 2021 by copper123

[blakeyboy]

We put grease on my mother's back.

She went downhill quickly after that.

[copper123]

1 hour ago, copper123 said:

China petrol station

stupid fuels

[Michael-Roo]

4 hours ago, Diaconis said:

Ben Doon and Phil McKavitee

always works a treat

Orson Carte

Al D'Enté

Willy Eckerslike

Bella Pock

Helen Bach

Tanya Hyde

 

[bagerap]

[Diaconis]

[Peckris 2]

[bagerap]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[bagerap]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment" Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three". 

Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No" the man replied "actually I just heard about it".

"All right" said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So" Socrates continued "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well" concluded Socrates "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Edited March 12, 2021 by bagerap
grammar & spelling

[Diaconis]

[Peckris 2]

In that light...

[copper123]

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