Stuff to Make Us Laugh

[Paddy]

These jokes remind me of that ancient torture: "Rolling a gong on the chest of a slave".

[blakeyboy]

Or the Scout Leader 'Christopher Wave'....

[copper123]

 

[Rob]

Brilliant

[Peckris 2]

 

[bagerap]

 

[Paddy]

Another one from the same source as Brenda's Beaver:

 

[bagerap]

Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local supermarket with approximately 20 people involved. The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage.

[Peckris 2]

1 hour ago, bagerap said:

Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local supermarket with approximately 20 people involved. The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage.

Roll on end of lockdown...

[alfnail]

[Danelaw]

Does Sean Connery like herbs?
Yes, but only partially.

[bagerap]

Ouch!  🙄

[Danelaw]

I don´t suppose anyone has a trebuchet I can borrow?

I know it´s a long shot.

[Diaconis]

11 hours ago, Danelaw said:

I don´t suppose anyone has a trebuchet I can borrow?

I know it´s a long shot.

My old house used to be a stones throw away from one.

[Peckris 2]

11 hours ago, Diaconis said:

My old house used to be a stones throw away from one.

You lived right by Windsor Castle?

[bagerap]

The man who invented auto correct has died. May he rust in piss

[bagerap]

[Rob]

https://metro.co.uk/video/american-woman-cuts-hole-face-mask-make-easier-breathe-2164644/

[Danelaw]

The Innuendo Society has announced a big rise in its male members

[bagerap]

So, my neighbour with the big boobs is outside gardening topless today. Just wish his wife would do the same.

[bagerap]

As I get older, all I need is Specsavers,  Boots &  Greggs. Yep, life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls!

 

[Danelaw]

My neighbour just hung the washing out...topless!

Great huge breasts flying everywhere.

I hope to see his wife tommorow.

[alfnail]

[alfnail]

Actual answers and spelling in a 6th form history test

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount  Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't  have history The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." 

Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. 

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. 

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

[mrbadexample]

I'm not convinced those haven't had a bit of grown-up tinkering somewhere along the line, but the first couple made me chuckle.