Peckris 2 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I told the auction house that I was a bona fide coin dealer, but they wanted to see proof. 1 1 Quote
Madness Posted November 10, 2018 Author Posted November 10, 2018 I'm a bona fide barnacle clinging to the crusty hull of a welfare society, taking a free ride but with no control. 2 Quote
Stuntman Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I worked for a dairy for a while, delivering cream to housewives' back doors. 1 2 Quote
Peckris 2 Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww 1 Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I used to nick staircases, but I took steps not to get caught...... 1 2 Quote
Madness Posted November 10, 2018 Author Posted November 10, 2018 10 minutes ago, blakeyboy said: I used to nick staircases, but I took steps not to get caught...... Better than climbing the corporate ladder. 1 1 Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 i’m applying for the government Thrill-Seekers Allowance- a bit like the Job Seeker’s Allowance, but they push you out of the plane halfway through the interview. Not to be confused with the New Seekers Allowance, where you get the money if you teach the world to sing…. 2 2 Quote
Peckris 2 Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I was caught out when the Tories combined the Job Seeker’s Allowance with the New Seekers Allowance - I ended up having to beg, steal and borrow... 1 3 Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 Oh now that's quality 'on the hoof 'comedy..I spend months writing my shit and you trump it in under an hour....!!! 1 Quote
Unwilling Numismatist Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I wanted to be a porn star. Every time I show up people say "what a cock".... 2 Quote
Peter Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 My Aunt Marge has just returned to hospital.. I can't believe she's not be(u)tter. 2 Quote
1949threepence Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 I wanted to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive. 1 1 Quote
1949threepence Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 13 hours ago, Peckris 2 said: I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww I used to work at a soft drinks factory but got the sack because I couldn't concentrate and wasn't cordial to others. Then I tried being a velcro salesman but couldn't stick it. 2 1 1 Quote
Madness Posted November 11, 2018 Author Posted November 11, 2018 (edited) On 11/10/2018 at 5:54 PM, Madness said: I'm a bona fide barnacle clinging to the crusty hull of a welfare society, taking a free ride but with no control. By the way, this really is my job. It wasn't supposed to be a joke. I really am a parasite living on welfare and my wife's income. Edited November 11, 2018 by Madness Quote
Paddy Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 I used to be a Travel agent but I got the sack - I took too many holidays. Before that I was a computer consultant - but they stopped talking to me. 2 Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 I was a doctor but I lost my patients. I went for a job at the circus as the Human Projectile, but I wasn't the right calibre.... I eventually went mad, and ended up in hospital because I thought I was a gun. I discharged myself. 2 Quote
Madness Posted November 11, 2018 Author Posted November 11, 2018 I once worked in admin but had a nervous breakdown. Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 1 hour ago, Madness said: By the way, this really is my job. It wasn't supposed to be a joke. I really am a parasite living on welfare and my wife's income. "I once worked in admin but had a nervous breakdown. " Been there. You earned a rest, you paid your taxes , so why worry? Comedy and music were my crutches. Now you should do the little personal projects you've been putting off for decades. `You could dress in drag, and earn money singing in campsites to keep the midges and mosquitos away. Get ready............ You could call yourself 'Citronella Fitzgerald'..... 1 Quote
1949threepence Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 (edited) Got a job at a winery and was very unfairly passed over for promotion - probably just sour grapes on my part. Then worked for a brewery where they also ignored me, which made me really bitter. Finally worked for a dairy where I did get promotion. Well the cream always rises to the top. Still a bread and butter job, but I milked them for all the money I could get. That was in 'Uddersfield by the way. Edited November 11, 2018 by 1949threepence 1 3 Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 Oh Quality. We should all start writing for Tim Vine..... 1 Quote
Bronze & Copper Collector Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 15 hours ago, Unwilling Numismatist said: I wanted to be a porn star. Every time I show up people say "what a cock".... I wanted to be a porn star too, Except I couldn't rise to the occasion.... Quote
1949threepence Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 7 hours ago, Bronze & Copper Collector said: I wanted to be a porn star too, Except I couldn't rise to the occasion.... But at least your acting wouldn't be stiff, even if the overall performance was a bit limp. So I doubt they'd be asking you to come again. 1 2 Quote
Madness Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 (edited) I've decided to become a grave digger. That way, when I die there will be someone to bury me. Edited November 12, 2018 by Madness Quote
Bronze & Copper Collector Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 3 hours ago, 1949threepence said: But at least your acting wouldn't be stiff, even if the overall performance was a bit limp. So I doubt they'd be asking you to come again. Excellent. . I have truly received my comeuppance...... 1 Quote
blakeyboy Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 9 hours ago, Madness said: I've decided to become a grave digger. That way, when I die there will be someone to bury me. Or at least you could fill in for someone... I asked my mate "Do you dig graves?" And he said "They're alright, I suppose..." 1 1 Quote
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