bagerap

I am getting somewhat bored with this lockdown. I have even resorted to changing the wrappers in the Celebrations tin. My wife is not too happy about It as she has got her Snickers in a Twix!

Wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning "Windows frozen, won't open" He replies "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with a hammer" 10 minutes later she messages back "Laptop really screwed up now"

I dig this out every Christmas. I make no apologies. Eggs Benedict is a dish best served on the hubcap from a '57 Austin Cambridge ... because there's no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise

As the world's population swelled over the past few decades, Santa's sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it. Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin. As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh. Franklin is going through the list of banned items. There are weapons, drugs, etc., but one item caught his curiosity... Cement. Franklin says to Lee "Hey, do you have any idea why cement might be banned?" "No idea, let's ask the boss. I can't see why anyone would want that" says Lee They both go to Santa's office and ask "Hey, Santa? Does anyone ever actually ask for cement for Christmas?" Santa, in the process of checking his list, puts it down and says "Yes. Every year there is a small village by a river that floods constantly. They ask for as much as they can get to build a wall. Every year I refuse". Both Franklin and Lee look at each other in amazement. That sounds like a great gift to give a village who needs it. Franklin then asks "But Santa, why would you ban them from having cement? It sure sounds like they could use it!" Santa turns to both of them and says... "Frank, Lee, my deer. I don't give out dams"

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother..." the Nuns asked earnestly "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us". Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said "DON'T SELL THAT COW"

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonising pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply "Can I feel your boobs, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

This year's favourite tree decoration

For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer"

.The Queen's Gambit was very good but I can't believe they've brought out a board game spinoff already.

"Not the only dodgy goings on. I 'won' lot 1093 in the last BSJ sale with a hammer price of £370. Prices realised now show a hammer price of £410, i.e. £10 above my max. It will be interesting to see where it reappears, as the buyer is presumably able to outbid you after the auction." Possibly "bought in" by the auctioneers?

I've not read the entire thread, so this may have been answered, but does one have to pay duty on slabbed coins? It strikes me that they should be treated as "Returned British Goods" and thus free from any taxes or duties.

It seems that it's socially unacceptable to laugh out loud in Hawaii, so just stick to a low Ha.

If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?

Soft brass brush in this case, sometimes use a slightly firmer nylon bristle.

There's a game they play in the Vatican – rock papal schism

I still firmly believe in "Buy the book before the coin" but tonight half my reference library fell on my head. My wife says I've only got my shelf to blame.

I love Mr Boyle. Congratulations on finding a repeatable quote of his.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We buggered up the spelling and we missed the bloody R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies "The word was....... Celeb-RATE!"

My friend just hired a limo for £750 but it didn't come with a driver. Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!

Well, that was an education. It stood for a few days at £80 and I was very well pleased, after which came an attack from an ID I recognised as an American dealer in U.S. Colonials. (Anything bearing the head of the Georges becomes< automatically "colonial.") He kindly boosted it to £137, whence I gratefully expected it to stay. After a day or so I began to think that if a dealer were prepared to push the price by $35, then maybe collectors might pile in. They did. Tonight @ 09.30 it sold for £ 204.86 and the purchaser paid three minutes later.

Sorry Paddy but I've spent most of the day on this and can find nothing. Zip, nada, zilch, bubkes. Not one reference, not even a mention.

My field and my speciality, and I've never seen this before. Certain that it's not in BHM, possibly Eimer, which I don't have. I wouldn't part with this until I was sure. Can't check this out until Friday when I'm home. I'll PM you if I find anything.

It is to my shame that I've had this for 53 years without noticing anything unusual.

It has been on ebay for three hours with a starting price of £45, and the first bid is in. It's on for ten days, so it could get interesting.