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Madness

Stuff to Make Us Laugh

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4 hours ago, Diaconis said:

Most people think that all testicles are pretty much the same, but there's a vas deferens.

Apropos to the above:

 

A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks?

"The Matador Special, Senor," the waiter replies.

"What meat is it?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"The Matador Special, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects, "I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."

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13 hours ago, blakeyboy said:

Oh extraordinary!!

Pun of the Year so far, Dear Boy!!!!!

Can’t claim originality unfortunately but thanks all the same Blakeyboy 😊 

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For the musically minded, an earworm

electric.jpg

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Looks like this is the way my life's going

 

Three elderly golfers walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old "You always feel like you have to pee.

And most of the time nothing happens".

"Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat prunes, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens".

"Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all".

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all".

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am".

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven..."

 

 

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A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What Separates Man From The Animals?

"Technology" says the German "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts".

"I disagree" announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience".

"I say it's art" decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art".

All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering "The Channel".

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I should point out that in some versions of this gag the Englishman is replaced by a Yorkshireman, resulting in one of my favourite punchlines "t' Pennines."

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mange tu

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image.png.c1bd8fe432bd3c8d30c0b7bb2c053a46.png

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When the pubs do eventually reopen, my drinking mate Paul won't be there to enjoy it. Oh, it's not Covid, he just had an accident. Got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

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Was wondering why are there so many female archaeologists?

Could it be because of their obsession with digging up the past?

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and following up...A352C6F0-5723-4346-8C8C-A96C7811C9DD.thumb.jpeg.459660c5f1f46bdb3b757bb048753958.jpeg

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004A9F6C-20E9-4DBB-85F7-7ED0CDDE1AFF.thumb.jpeg.2fbe6e006bfcde8a507f2efda9dac6c3.jpeg

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1703950423_bergerwyseminister.png.943958de5f02314a7c8a2d25df058545.png

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1156855211_Alphacats3.jpg.d787f5ad5f3e7630028045924a83cbe1.jpg

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funny-newspaper-magazine-layout-fails-53-57c02e54dc2ab__605.thumb.jpg.b9534500f41a0aa5bee9b775a9103e47.jpg

 

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19EA8C3E-5E51-4F41-B6EC-3EAB3780B9FD.thumb.jpeg.fce72b0507e74a2a0157675b8780dfcc.jpeg

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Computer.jpg

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On 3/6/2021 at 10:31 AM, Diaconis said:

19EA8C3E-5E51-4F41-B6EC-3EAB3780B9FD.thumb.jpeg.fce72b0507e74a2a0157675b8780dfcc.jpeg

I'd definitely dispute "great" being applied to Bernie Winters. Those two were the only showbiz act that made Little and Large look good.. :lol:

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12 hours ago, Peckris 2 said:

I'd definitely dispute "great" being applied to Bernie Winters. Those two were the only showbiz act that made Little and Large look good.. :lol:

At age 16 or so, I served Bernie with a cup of tea in J Lyons teashop Western Road, Brighton. Its about the nearest I've ever been to celebrity, apart from shaking hands with Frankie Vaughan at my school prizegiving. 

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8 hours ago, DaveG38 said:

At age 16 or so, I served Bernie with a cup of tea in J Lyons teashop Western Road, Brighton. Its about the nearest I've ever been to celebrity, apart from shaking hands with Frankie Vaughan at my school prizegiving. 

I've met two, both totally contrasting characters. One was Bruce Forsyth at a London restaurant in 2002 when we somehow got in each other's way in a narrow corridor leading to the Gents - you know when you both intend to avoid each other but move in the same direction, and he looked really nasty and said "Get out of the effing way you dickhead" - charming, thought I. Not a bit like his TV persona. I just wish now I'd given him a mouthful back instead of saying sorry.  

 The other was Frank Skinner in a pub in Chelmsford, also in 2002 (no idea what he was doing there), but I accidentally dropped a £2 coin and it rolled along the floor. Frank picked it up, handed it to me, and said "here you go mate, don't chuck your money away" in that familiar Brummie accent of his. He was there with a woman - maybe his partner. No idea.    

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NOT NICE TO SEE YOU NOT NICE , DICKHEAD ! LOL

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Posted (edited)
37 minutes ago, 1949threepence said:

One was Bruce Forsyth at a London restaurant in 2002 when we somehow got in each other's way in a narrow corridor leading to the Gents - you know when you both intend to avoid each other but move in the same direction, and he looked really nasty and said "Get out of the effing way you dickhead" - charming, thought I. Not a bit like his TV persona. I just wish now I'd given him a mouthful back instead of saying sorry.  

Mike,

A bursting bladder can turn Jekyll in to Hyde

Edited by Diaconis
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