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Madness

Stuff to Make Us Laugh

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Forgive me if you have heard this one before:

A man walks into a cafe, takes a seat at a table and starts reading the menu. After a few minutes the waitress approaches: "What will you have?" she asks.

"I'll have a quickie," he replies confidently.

She scowls and stomps off. After a few minutes she returns and demands: "Are you ready to order now?"

"Yes - I'd like a quickie please," he replies.

She thumps the table and storms off angrily. Soon the manager sends her back. "Ok - are you ready to make a sensible order now?" she says angrily.

"May I please have a quickie?" he asks plaintively.

"Right, I'm calling the police!" she shouts.

At this point the man at the next table leans over helpfully and says: "I think you'll find that is pronounced "Quiche"!".

 

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Not sure if this is a laugh or a cry, but the term "20 20 vision" will take on a whole new meaning after this year!

 

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On 3/20/2020 at 10:00 PM, Paddy said:

Forgive me if you have heard this one before:

A man walks into a cafe, takes a seat at a table and starts reading the menu. After a few minutes the waitress approaches: "What will you have?" she asks.

"I'll have a quickie," he replies confidently.

She scowls and stomps off. After a few minutes she returns and demands: "Are you ready to order now?"

"Yes - I'd like a quickie please," he replies.

She thumps the table and storms off angrily. Soon the manager sends her back. "Ok - are you ready to make a sensible order now?" she says angrily.

"May I please have a quickie?" he asks plaintively.

"Right, I'm calling the police!" she shouts.

At this point the man at the next table leans over helpfully and says: "I think you'll find that is pronounced "Quiche"!".

 

Amusingly, my father told this story to a couple in their 60s a few years back. At the punchline the wife laughed uproariously but the husband just looked puzzled. On questioning he admitted that he had no idea what a "Quickie" was!

 

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4 hours ago, Paddy said:

Amusingly, my father told this story to a couple in their 60s a few years back. At the punchline the wife laughed uproariously but the husband just looked puzzled. On questioning he admitted that he had no idea what a "Quickie" was!

A well satisfied wife, I assume...

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**WARNING**

There's a link going around for a LIVE STREAM to U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. 

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - it will take you to a live stream of U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home.

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A man told his wife that she is painting her eyebrows too high. She looks surprised. 

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16 hours ago, Danelaw said:

**WARNING**

There's a link going around for a LIVE STREAM to U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. 

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - it will take you to a live stream of U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home.

 

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Posted (edited)

I got bored this week, and made this, and posted it to a mate, and he was rather concerned at first...

 

P1040089.thumb.jpeg.b60ad10e2e699098e1b83ddbdb96a56c.jpeg

Edited by blakeyboy
speling
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I just asked my wife to put on a nurses uniform.

She said "Are you feeling frisky?"

I replied "No, we need bread."

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Do you know the difference between Abu Dhabi residents and  Dubai residents?

People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.

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90795627_10219712981632861_7954394417056448512_n.jpg.38d0376745848a5c6601ec31373a38d2.jpg

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33266.jpeg

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I went upstairs today, and had a look around.

Good exercise, and it's nice to get out.

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1 hour ago, blakeyboy said:

I went upstairs today, and had a look around.

Good exercise, and it's nice to get out.

Well I was really adventurous. I went into the back garden and picked up some rubbish that Storm Jorge had blown in several weeks ago. Thought, that's my exercise quota, and then some, for the day.  

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And relax....deep blue ocean, deep blue ocean....:)

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toiletroll.jpg

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I just threw a ball for my dog...a bit over the top but he was 21 today.

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With this ban on sport, I'm really missing playing in goal for my local football team - it's the only way I can keep a clean sheet at my age......

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My mates been a flasher for over 10 years by trade.

He's thought about giving it up recently but has decided to stick it out another year

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609042168_1-Copy.jpg.955333d4cf6faafa7698a121b153c7d3.jpg

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Nice one Sword. To add realism it should be worn for a few years to get some nice tatty frayed holes in it. 

 

 

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It's not that surprising why Mary and Joseph couldn't find room at an inn..  hotels get really busy around Christmas time.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns in English or it is just me?

Why is October 4th a trucker's favorite day?  Because it's a big 10-4 good buddy!

Dr. Dre may not be a real doctor, but he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations. 

People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am.

Charles Dickens orders a martini. The bartender smiles a big, smug, 'aren't-I-clever smile' and asks, "Olive or twist?"

I can't believe they haven't come up with a cure for world hunger yet. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

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Spray.png.54b931cc03d1a9095977b0e72e236298.png

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2 hours ago, Diaconis said:

It's not that surprising why Mary and Joseph couldn't find room at an inn..  hotels get really busy around Christmas time.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns in English or it is just me?

Why is October 4th a trucker's favorite day?  Because it's a big 10-4 good buddy!

Dr. Dre may not be a real doctor, but he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations. 

People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am.

Charles Dickens orders a martini. The bartender smiles a big, smug, 'aren't-I-clever smile' and asks, "Olive or twist?"

I can't believe they haven't come up with a cure for world hunger yet. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

We should have a "Groan" reaction for this section of the forum...

 

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Posted (edited)

 

7 hours ago, Diaconis said:

Nice one Sword. To add realism it should be worn for a few years to get some nice tatty frayed holes in it. 

I vaguely remember watching (at least a part) of the film, Dear John, and the following conversation has somewhat stuck in my mind:

John the teenager: All the way up to Wooster for another coin show. l'm just--No, l'm not doing that.

His Father: You're going to one every weekend now.

John: Oh, that's good. l love warm milk. That's nice. [sarcastically] . You spend all of our money on coins. Get a fricking fridge that works.

Thankfully, none of us are so obsessive here. 🙂 

Edited by Sword
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