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Madness

Stuff to Make Us Laugh

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It seems that it's socially unacceptable to laugh out loud in Hawaii, so just stick to a low Ha.

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I believe 2020 has finally seen Trump's cov[id]f[re]ef[re]e text clarified.

You couldn't make it up. :ph34r:

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donald trump's hair.PNG

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Apparantly  he wanted thanks for sending the US stock market to record highs ( well yes donald you did do this but only by the realization that there would be a handing over too someone else soon and america would be rid of you).

Well not rid of but certainly , but at least you might be able to go full time on those golf courses

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bollocks.jpg

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.The Queen's Gambit was very good but I can't believe they've brought out a board game spinoff already.

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For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer"

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21 hours ago, bagerap said:

For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer"

A farmer, a priest, and a lawyer were travelling across country when they hit a small town and decided to stay overnight at the inn. The landlord said "Sorry guys, I can only put 2 of you up, but there's room in the barn for one of you." The farmer said "It's my day job, I'll sleep in the barn."

An hour later there's a thunderous knock at the door. The landlord opens it and finds the farmer there. "Sorry mate,  your cockerel thinks it's dawn and won't stop crowing, I can't sleep there." The priest says "If it was good enough for our Lord, it's good enough for me. I'll sleep there."  An hour later there's a thunderous knock at the door. The landlord opens it and finds the priest there. "Sorry, your cow is pregnant and won't stop lowing. I just can't sleep." They all look at the lawyer until he shrugs and says, "Ok, if I must, I must" and stomps off to the barn.

An hour later there's a thunderous knock at the door. The landlord opens it and finds his cockerel and cow there.

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58 minutes ago, Peckris 2 said:

A farmer, a priest, and a lawyer were travelling across country when they hit a small town and decided to stay overnight at the inn. The landlord said "Sorry guys, I can only put 2 of you up, but there's room in the barn for one of you." The farmer said "It's my day job, I'll sleep in the barn."

An hour later there's a thunderous knock at the door. The landlord opens it and finds the farmer there. "Sorry mate,  your cockerel thinks it's dawn and won't stop crowing, I can't sleep there." The priest says "If it was good enough for our Lord, it's good enough for me. I'll sleep there."  An hour later there's a thunderous knock at the door. The landlord opens it and finds the priest there. "Sorry, your cow is pregnant and won't stop lowing. I just can't sleep." They all look at the lawyer until he shrugs and says, "Ok, if I must, I must" and stomps off to the barn.

An hour later there's a thunderous knock at the door. The landlord opens it and finds his cockerel and cow there.

This reminds me of the time I went camping with the scouts. When we arrived at our destination it was discovered there wasn't enough room in the tents for all of us, and one would have to sleep elsewhere. I drew the short straw and because the farmer had said we could use the barn, I made my way over there. But it stank so much I decided to move away from there and took my sleeping bag into a nearby field, in the darkness, having climbed over the gate. This'll do, I thought, there was a good hedge one side which provided a great windbreak. Went to sleep. When I woke up it was about 5:30am and light. It was then I discovered my error - I wasn't the only occupant in the field, as there was also a lone bull, who was staring menacingly at me as I stood up. I chucked my clothes and sleeping bag over the hedge (or at any rate that was the intention) and tried to work out if I could make it to the gate and scramble over it. I took a chance and dashed for it, but needn't have bothered as the bull wasn't interested anyway.

The only injuries I got were from scratches all over my stomach and chest, trying to retrieve my clothes from the other side of the hedge, as they'd landed on top of the bloody thing instead of going all the way over, and there was a ditch that side. Fortunately everybody else was still asleep.          

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I was reading the local paper the other day and I saw this advert for a TV set. It said, "TV set for sale £1.Volume stuck on FULL". I thought, "I can't turn that down".

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6 hours ago, UPINSMOKE said:

I was reading the local paper the other day and I saw this advert for a TV set. It said, "TV set for sale £1.Volume stuck on FULL". I thought, "I can't turn that down".

Good for The who concerts then upinsmoke

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2 hours ago, copper123 said:

Good for The who concerts then upinsmoke

Not to mention Spinal Tap...

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  • First off, one of my chimney jokes. I like chimney jokes....I've got stacks of them.

  • During the lockdown, I have discovered that the advantages of "Easy Origami" are two-fold.

  • Some news about EXIT signs.....they are on the way out.

  • I'm reading a book, at the moment. It's called, "The Wonders of Super Glue". I can't put it down.

Edited by UPINSMOKE
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Furniture in the House of Commons has been height adjusted after an MP rushed in and tabled his amendments.

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Took my boat to its MOT today and it just sailed through.....

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One day I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said to him, "I bet I know what your favourite time of year is." He said, "You have to love Easter baby".!!!

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Railway employees threatened mutiny until their bosses laid things on the line.

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Apologies.

I wanted to upload an image but there was a problem doing so and the empty post I can't now delete. This is a problem I've noticed here in the past.

Anyway, here's the image again…..

 

 From sea.jpg

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14 hours ago, Peckris 2 said:

Furniture in the House of Commons has been height adjusted after an MP rushed in and tabled his amendments.

Ronnie Barker? :lol:

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6 hours ago, mrbadexample said:

Ronnie Barker? :lol:

Indeed 😉

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just had to be....!

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covid 2.jpg

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covid 1.jpg

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