Danelaw

Meatloaf has recently married an accountant. A spokesman for the newlyweds stated, "She'll do anything for love, but she won't do VAT."

My eyes can’t make much from this lead button? Small suspension loop on back.

Oh, well played Sir!

Apologies for poor photo. Looked ok on phone🤔

My lockdown keep fit tips. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arm straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of days, move up to 10kg potato bags. Then try 50kg potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more then a full minute. (I'm now at this level). After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

https://twitter.com/ladbible/status/1248995809930153984?s=09

Cheer up everyone...have some Thames money.

A man walks across the road and gets flattened by a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry and then a red lorry. Policeman goes to his home, knocks the door and the man’s wife answers it. The policeman looks at her and says, "Im sorry but there's no easy way to say this"

My mates been a flasher for over 10 years by trade. He's thought about giving it up recently but has decided to stick it out another year

I just threw a ball for my dog...a bit over the top but he was 21 today.

Do you know the difference between Abu Dhabi residents and Dubai residents? People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.

**WARNING** There's a link going around for a LIVE STREAM to U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home. DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - it will take you to a live stream of U2 doing a live gig in Bono's home.

I once made a wig from bum hair. It was great looking but on windy days it kept blowing off.

I coughed on the bus this morning and 4 people turned around. I thought I was through to the next round of 'The Voice'

I accidentally squirted some Domestos over a man of the cloth once. I was arrested for bleach of the priest.

French radio are saying there has been a fire at a cheese factory. They are reporting there is de brie everywhere.

A bloke purchased a world map. He gave his wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". They spent three weeks behind the fridge

Apparently everyone has been quarantined at John Lennon airport! Imagine all the people?

A Tesco lorry transporting a ton of frozen desserts overturned on the M25 last night. The emergency services arrived a trifle too late.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law?" "No, what is it?" "If something can go wrong it will go wrong." "Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?" "No, what is it?" "Thinly sliced cabbage with mayonnaise."

Its on a par with "Can I get a..." for me. Annoys the hell out of me.

I don't like those Russian dolls...so full of themselves