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It’s going to be difficult to stop people from taking cow dewormer when a Covid variant named “Mu” hits.

Did you know if you swapped out your friday night takeaway and instead went down the gym for a workout you could lose the will to live

And despite a long and expensive education, that is probably the only line of Shakespeare that I can fully remember

Sorry, but Midsummer night's dream takes us back to the same problem. There's a line in the Rude Mechanicals version of Pyramus & Thisbe which could be interpreted as racially offensive: “Thou wall, o wall, o sweet and lovely wall, show me thy chink to blink through with mine eyne!”

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts". The first old guy was confused and asked "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt".

"They're a pest if they ever get into the house, typically the loft space, as they have extraordinary jaw power for such a small creature, and because their teeth never stop growing, they need to constantly gnaw to keep them down to size. Hence they can cause a lot of damage, and often bite through wires, damage wood etc" If you live in and around Hertfordshire, squirrels are the least of your worries. The Edible Dormouse (glis glis) was introduced by the Romans as a food resource and is a protected species. Your loft however is not a protected space and you will have to shell out a lot of moolah to get the little creatures legally removed.

Only in the morning

More sad news. Just read that the world scrabble eating champion has passed a Y.

Sad news. The man who invented spaghetti cooked in curdled milk has pasta whey

Two nuns, from different orders had arranged to meet for a Diocesan conference. Sister Mary, on seeing her colleague looking somewhat breathless asked "Did you come on your bike?" To which Sister Benedicta replied "Yes, must have been the bloody cobblestones"

THE LAWS OF LIFE LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. LAW OF GRAVITY: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). LAW OF THE BATH: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. LAW OF THE THEATRE & FOOTBALL: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. THE COFFEE LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. BROWN'S LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: If the clothes fit, they're ugly. WILSON'S LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. DOCTORS' LAW: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Boris Johnson who presides over an administration of sleaze, chumocracy and graft faces questions about exactly who paid for the refurbishment of the 11 Downing St flat and his 2019 New Year Caribbean holiday. He also poured a lot of public money into his four year affair with Jennifer Arcuri. He missed five consecutive emergency COBRA meetings in the build up to the coronavirus crisis, and has proven himself to be an amoral dissembling chancer. What kind of leadership is that?